Saturday, June 7, 2008

You want me to root for who? (the worst team names in sports)

Watching this Celtics - Lakers series makes me yearn for NES games, Nerf football, and Big League Chew.

It also reminds me what a terrible team name the "Los Angeles Lakers" is.

For your viewing displeasure, here are some more terrible team names.

10. The Houston Texans
I hate undefinable generic names. To me, a Texan could be anything from a C-student president, to a crazy old cowboy drinking moonshine, to an insane cult leader who encourages everyone to buy stock in Atari and Hydrox cookies.

Maybe it encourages state pride, as if that state needs any more.








"Yee-haw! Now this here's gonna be a barn-burner!"

9. Any team named after a small bird (Blue Jays, Cardinals, Orioles, Ravens)

"C'mere n' say that to my face, wiseguy."

Okay, maybe the Ravens don't quite fit in here, and honestly, what the heck is a "Seahawk?" Has anyone ever seen one of these? I know what a SeaGULL looks like, and I HATE them...always trying to steal my funnel cake.

I digress. What I am getting at here is that tiny birds look absolutely ridiculous on grown men, and do the exact opposite of intimidation. Can you really see 6'5, 250lb guys yelling "BLUE JAYS!"

These team names should stop being used after the 5th grade, no later.

8. The Raptors

"You want me to protect the paint wearing this??!"

Thankfully, the Raptors uniform is no longer pinstriped purple, and featuring a ridiculous, angry Raptor about to pull a nasty UTEP-Two-Step. Unfortunately, they are STILL CALLED THE RAPTORS.

Remember when Jurassic Park was popular? Some genius in the NBA front office thought it would be a good idea to include a raptor in the voting for a new franchise name. I guess he didn't predict every 10-14 year old boy in North America voting six times for this atrocity.

I'd rather root for the Pterodactyls, myself.

But then, they're in Canada, so it's not like Canadians wouldn't rather watch hockey anyway.

7. The Milwaukee Brewers

Here's a great idea: Let's name ourselves after what we love the most:
BEER!!!

I guess it's better than calling yourself "The Drunks", or "The Lushes."

Still, you've gotta wonder what some other teams would be named if they followed this idea...here's a few.

The Philadelphia Cheesesteaks
The Los Angeles Plastic Surgeries
The Florida Retirees
The Detroit Drive-Bys

"I love this team, I'm sure glad we're not called The Sobers. Hey, where's the bathroom again?"

6. The New Orleans Saints

Sorry, but any team in a town responsible for Mardi Gras CAN'T be called the Saints.

Besides that, I'm sure St. Anthony was great at interpreting the Old Testament, but I don't know if I want him pull-blocking for me on a power sweep out of the I-Formation.

"Ahh...how virtuous."

5. The Atlanta-Minnestota Wild Thrashers (tie)

These two NHL expansion teams have got to be the worst in hockey. First off, there is nothing "wild" about Minnesota (unless you count the Mall of America on black Friday)...and what in the heck does "thrashing" have to do with hockey? This is something a drunken blonde girl does in a mosh pit, or maybe a two year old who you've taken food away from.

NOT something skilled hockey players do.

" Oh it's about to get all wild and thrashy up in here!!"

4. The San Diego Padres
I never understood the origin of this...is it supposed to be like "Padres" in the catholic priest sense (in which case it makes less sense than the saints), or intimidating in the sense of : "wait 'til your father gets home"? Which made all small boys like me run for the hills.

Either way, I can't see how anyone could get behind it.

...are there women's softball teams called the Madres?

Ah well, at least their old uniforms remind me of tacos.

"Taco Bell and the San Diego Padres remind you to think outside the bunt."

3. Any team named after a color, ie. Browns, Reds, Blues

I can't believe the respective leagues let them go along with this. I would have been deathly afraid that other teams would just get lazy as well and start naming their teams "The Blacks","The Purples" and "The Magentas."

"The Hornets? No no...I was thinking...the Teals."

2. Displaced teams whose names make no sense: Los Angeles (formerly Minneapolis) Lakers, The Utah Jazz (formerly of New Orleans)

Let's keep it real.

No one goes to Utah to listen to Jazz. Maybe a mormon boys choir.

Nor are there lakes in Los Angeles. Fakes, yes. Lakes, no.

"The Fakers? LOL! Wait...what?"

1. The Denver Nuggets

I truly believe this team's name to be solely responsible for its mediocrity.

How can you play for, or even root for a team that calls to mind bite sized chicken with delicious dipping sauces? Imagine talking to a girl who knows nothing about sports?

Professional athlete: "Yeah, I'm in the NBA."
Hot girl: "Really? I LOOOVE athletes! What team do you play for?"
Pro: "Um...the uh...Denver Nuggets."
Hot girl: "HAHAHAH!!! No really! What's your REAL teams name?"
Pro: "...So...yeah...I really like your shoes."

The "D" stands for D-lectable. Not defense.



"Yo, this team name is horrible, kid."
"I know right? Maybe we can get them to change it to the Thuggets."


(honorable mention: The White and Red Sox - I never understood as a kid why anyone would want to be socks, especially misspelled sox...to this day I still don't.)

I'm out like toes in sandals.

Did I leave any other terrible sports names off this list?

- Magnum

1 comment:

Cornibal said...

I'm a giant fan of our baseball team, but being named for female horses has to land our guys on the list!